Soul Cleaning

I was going through my blog reading list and came across a post that resonated with me. BeautyBeyondBones talked about looking within yourself to see what needs to be fixed or cleaned. It hit me that I have some areas that need a little overhaul.

The other day I was speaking with a friend who told me that I came up in conversation and as expected, it was about my singleness and how much others are wishing for me to find someone.

I imagine this is how many people see single women. However, I am not responsible for people’s stereotypes.

Photo credit: – woman-train

I didn’t feel moved by their concern because as a single, people are so much more focused on your ‘happiness as a couple’ than they are interested in any other aspects of your life. It is hard to explain this to others who have never fully embraced life as a single.

It is hard to explain that my life has many facets and my marital status is not on the top of the list nor will the change to ‘in a relationship’ satisfy the other aspects of my life that I feel need to be overhauled. 

At this point, I look at my life and I see a mess. A mess of uncertainty in all areas in which it can be overwhelming to know where to start to clean.

Photo credit: wall-urban-reflection-dirty

As a single, people see your life in stanch black and white pre- and in-relationship. This becomes annoying instead of endearing. It’s bothersome because they forget that there are parts of your life that are not hinged on romantic affiliations. For me, there is a weight of concern for my aging parents, there is a struggle of dragging myself to a job that does not bring joy but not sure what career choice will, there is the search in finding my place that feels like home (something I really miss) and most importantly finding meaning in day to day life again. 

Throughout all this, I am trying to clean up and correct deficiencies within myself. It’s not to perfection but to contentment 

It’s crazy to think that when I was in my 20s and early 30s, I had it all figured out (I was single then too) – so I thought 🙂 . However, as life happens and I learn from each triumph and set back, in my 40s, I am struggling to understand the purpose of each day.  A relationship will not magically solve all these things and make me a whole new fulfilled person.

Yes, now, I am finally ready for a serious relationship and I do know that I am willing to give what is required but this is still not numero uno on my list. I am a little busy trying to figure out how to be the best me possible with my here and now. I am trying to regain my emotional, psychological and spiritual footing. This will always be ongoing no matter who is in my life.

I am trying to forgive myself for my mistakes. I am trying to not feel guilt for making certain choices. I am trying to accept certain situations that are out of my control. I am trying to go easy on myself for my overall life choices. I am trying to feel reconnected to God and life. I am trying to do my part to clean up my soul.

It’s not perfection; it’s contentment

It is wise to remember that your contentment is not based on others. Sometimes, I would like to walk around with a billboard saying, Look beyond my single status. I don’t need anyone’s pity in that area but I could use your help in areas that will be beneficial to my growth.

What areas in your life do you need to clean?

10 thoughts on “Soul Cleaning

  1. I dunno why this comes to me now, but maybe the relationship you need most (above any you could find with a mortal lover) is with a higher power…or, rather, tying in what you feature here, clean up your relationship with a higher power. Just a thought, not a nudge or suggestion, as I cannot say that is what either of us necessarily need. But, I do know my relationship with (God) has diminished over the past decade or so. I’ve drifted far from the “good boy who goes to church every Sunday.” And, I know I don’t want to be like certain people I’ve met and recently seen on TV who say they are “Episcopalians who respect Easter and Christmas.” And, I am not ignoring the fact that you touched on this topic in the above text but, rather, adding a little extra thought to it.

    I get the feeling there is something about our generation that is facing this internal, spiritual struggle greater than any other, as if we are on the fringe of some cataclysm, raising our rabbit ears to the white noise blowing across the planet’s surface while all the “millennials” have their heads focused on tiny screens. There’s a meteor coming, and we’re tuned into its frequency yet unsure what dooms us so.

    I can’t say I’ve ever had my “footing.” The closest I came was in my early teens, when I started socializing with girls comfortably enough that I could dance and sing with them without much embarrassment. But, that quickly crumbled into a dire period which has left me struggling ever since. And, before the good days, there was that oddly unsettling period of youth when I was blind to so many details and controlled by my mother’s system.

    It’s curious how, in your case, you say you are bombarded with concern for your single status. In my case, it’s the opposite. If I even bridge the subject of my single status and “desperation” for a loving partner, it’s as if my family just rolls their eyes and says, “Not until you’re perfectly sane and meet our other expectations.” No one even suggests meeting people other than joining a church group or, rarely, a suggestion to attend some weekly class/group. No one is trying to hook me up with someone or suggesting anyone particular. There are no matchmakers in my family or social circle. Just one younger guy who likes to tease and give wild suggestions. So, for me, it’s like I am looking for someone to talk with me about the matter–which does weigh on my thoughts as I feel quite alone and abandoned–but not hearing anything, just unsettling silence.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have always struggled with God and religion. My primary issue was never with desiring a partner. This is the reason I become so annoyed when others try to make it a priority for me.

      I tend to always be in search of inner peace; perhaps I will always be a wandering soul trying to understand and accept God fully.

      I think the concept of God is able to be challenged without recrimination and is competing against so many different things these days. This is just my view on why the spiritual struggle for so many.


      1. When would you say your struggle with religion began, if you can even remember a starting point. [Look, now I’m your therapist. :P]

        I am similarly annoyed, or, rather, discouraged, that I cannot be more comfortable discussing relationship desires with anyone. It’s even more awkward and discomforting trying to approach prospects when you cannot even properly talk about your feelings with people you know.

        Inner peace is vitally important to us all. But, for whatever reason, I have a strong interest in pursuing some ultimate passionate love relationship that starts some cosmic engine. It’s like a giant clock inside of me that could do so much but needs another component. Or, maybe I am just fooling myself or deceived by some dark force and not joining the mechanical chaos that the world seems to be.

        Perhaps we are never meant to fully grasp “God” even if religions push us to be/do so. Perhaps understanding God is intended to be an eternal pursuit like moving toward a star ever out of reach. It’s either a mad quest to drive you insane or something we are never intended to ever complete for the sake of secrecy and to keep us humble. If we ever fully completed such a goal, perhaps we’d no longer be what we are or have the chance to understand that. We’d be…something else. And, ego could be a problem.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re very welcome Harley Q, and you are so very right. It’s like my header on my blog page says, you are not here by accident. I too believe that people who are meant to be in ones life will end up there.🌹


  3. Whether we are single or married, divorced or dating I believe we are societies libraries. People will never read their own book so they will read other peoples instead and if that means placing a value on your relationship status, then so be it. It’s just something to talk about. People oft get words confused like peace and quiet, alone and lonely and relationship and need. They get those words confused with each other, some can’t separate the difference. I love the title of this post because I believe it’s all about appreciating yourself first before looking to appreciate someone else. If one can enter a friendship not looking to change anything then that’s a good first step because everyone has things to fix, we can’t change someone when we have issues our own self.
    We are not perfect but I believe if two people can be happy with each other at their worst, then they deserve each other at their best.
    Great post Harley, and that’s from the Joker.😜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jokerswild, I can honestly say that as I age, I become more introspective which helps me to distinguish between my wants and needs to include from people around me.
      I truly believe in working on self and if God or fate sees fit, the person(s) who are meant to be in my life will show themselves eventually.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I enjoyed you post. As to me; I can honestly say every facet of my life needs improvement in my self-assessment. With that said, it doesn’t mean it requires improvement for me to live the rest of my days. I’m fully aware of many of my mistakes and need not forgive myself for those that were truly a mistake without malice intent. For those I intentionally harmed, forgiveness may or may not come from them however if I truly apologize, do I really need their full forgiveness or cooperation? I think not.

    My friends or family can wish many great things for me predicated upon their values, that in itself doesn’t mean their values are my values nor does it mean I’d agree to any of their wishes. I do appreciate their good will but perhaps they should invest in listening attentively to what I prefer my life to be like and simply aid when and if they can, and if they chose.

    I have by choice remained single for over four years now, no dating yet I do socialize with in a positive manner with others. I’m often tempted to pursue someone however I also remain aware those same types of temptations have resulted in disaster for me. Nowhere have I read that the rules of life require I be involved all my life with a significant other to be happy. I will admit missing that close intimate relationship with someone but not just anyone is ever going to fill the void and be- that one. And then again, in one of my many mistakes, I may have already lost that…one. And if so- I see no reason to beat myself up any further and simply hope that one finds the unworthy me again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like the statement about loved ones listening and providing support in those areas of need.

      I believe some people become focused on and irrational about one’s single status all while ignoring the more important things in that person’s life.

      I see myself as a work in progress while I try to live each day.

      Thank you for your input.

      Liked by 1 person

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