I hold on to the good things while dismissing the bad things
I hold on to the bad things which eclipses the good things
Which one are you?
When people walk into a therapist’s office, they are usually at their wits end. Their way is no longer working – the cup hath runneth over – with unresolved ( fill in the blank) which is causing internal and some external destruction. Either one of those choices has a strong stench of denial and neither is the most productive way to look at life.
The mind is quite fascinating in its will to make sense of a situation and survive at any cost. This usually fuels the heart to feel intensely one way or another. They are both co-conspirators in your joy, destruction or redemption. You really can’t have one without the other.
After writing my last post and discussing that there are other priorities on my mind that do not include my single status, it hit me like a punch to the face that I was harbouring some unresolved shame, resentment, and disappointment. The funny thing is those emotions and thoughts usually translate into anger – out of nowhere anger (the joys of introspection).
They say women often show sadness while men show anger. I am more comfortable with anger – easier – at least for me. I also realize (like many others) when I care for people, I become a softy who allow them to cross boundaries that were normally very defined and strong. Overtime, these broken boundaries have led to my slow destruction into an easily angered little woman (the wonders of human nature).
When people look at the late Robin Williams, they saw a funny, famous and strong comedian. When people looked at a 3-star Admiral Scott Stearney, they saw a leader and a man with an impressive military record. However, in the end, their unresolved became a destruction. Death is the ultimate destruction.
Real World Example: I was trying to explain to a patient some of the general motivators why his senior enlisted friend committed suicide. The patient had a difficult time wrapping his head around the loss. The ironic part was the patient was in our office for his own unresolved issues (to include his friend’s suicide) even though he was not suicidal. However, his unresolved stuff were really affecting his daily life (destruction).
You want so much to be okay and carry on like there wasn’t a bump in the road. That’s admirable in trying to be resilient. However, the mistake is you keep pushing the dirty laundry around in your heads and hearts instead of dealing with it and then putting it in its rightful place (the past).
We keep holding on to the unresolved and replaying it like it happened a moment ago. We keep the past alive by reliving it every moment in the present.
You hold on not because you enjoy the pain and discomfort of the unresolved but you hold on because you want justice for what you perceived as a wrong. You hold on because you want redemption but you believe you have to pay penance first.
What does redemption look like for you?
When do I let go of my anger which is a cover for my feelings of shame, resentment and disappointment? When do you let go of your unresolved?
I could suggest you read self-help books. I could use my own skills on myself and maybe use the empty chair technique 🙂 . However, even with all the knowledge and skills, they will not matter until you (me) believe that you (I) deserve to be forgiven and to forgive.
The Bible has it right – Forgive 70 x 7 – this also includes self
Do you know what your unresolved issues are? Do you know what is driving you to feel anger, sad, anxious? What are you willing to do about it?
How important is it to you to find the “peace that passeth all understanding?”
Frankly, I miss my peace and I want it back again at all cost