I am not afraid of change and I tend to move when my internal clock says it’s time to get going. After that message is sent to my brain, I start my journey. I feel like I am on a never ending journey that is like a roller coaster. I am not sure if I am at the beginning, middle or end – I just know there are still more roads to travel.
Frankly, I get that the ups and downs of life are meant for teaching but often times, I would love to skip the downs and just ride the ups. <God do you hear me>
Sure! Sure! The downs can bring about something positive.
Like this morning:
Down: Running late for work due to cleaning snow off my car
Up: I met my next door neighbour who was parked beside me. She had no brush or shovel so I offered mine. In that exchange, I learnt that she also work in mental health and was experiencing burn out (I am very familiar with this.) Potential new neighbour friend???
This afternoon at work:
Down: Egos, micromanagement, dominance struggle, backstabbing all trickled down to complicate my work life
Up: I was frustrated and God had my sister called me and I couldn’t help but vent to her. She fully understood and this created a closer bond. We might even be taking a trip together (I hope 🙂 ).
In the past, when the ‘you know when you know’ moment hits, I always had a plan for the future which allowed me to move in faith. However, this time, there have been multiple disturbances in my force and the ‘you know when you know’ feeling has been lingering for a while but I can’t see the road ahead.
STEP OUT IN FAITH
I have stepped out in faith before and it had taken me to places that were not in my plans. I have also stepped out in impulse and cloudy thinking which never ended well. Either way, I have been blessed to survive them – thank you God.
This impending step that I know has to be made feels like a huge leap across a wide canyon. I can’t see the other side. I can’t see the path. This doesn’t scare me but I find myself frustrated because the ‘you know when you know’ feeling is getting stronger but I am stuck.
Maybe it’s not the right time. Even when you know that you don’t belong in your current place, it’s just not the right time to take that leap. Maybe there is more to learn or do before it’s the right time. Maybe? Maybe the fear is finally seeping in and creating doubt.
Maybe the issue is I can’t see ‘the plans God has for me.’ All the other times when I had stepped out, I had truly believed that was what I should have done. However, now, I know it’s time but I am blinded from what is in front or how to navigate the next step.
That is intimidating for me. I hate not having some measure of control when I make decisions that affect my well-being. Maybe I have an issue with blind faith. I struggle with being Abraham (he was going to faithfully kill his son because God said so in order to test his faith). I am more of a Jacob (he had his eyes on his future wife but an obstacle got in the way of him marrying his beloved; however, he decided to accept the obstacle but continue to work at his goal until he got it).
With everything that is frustrating me, I have come to understand the value of supports. The value of being raw and open. It’s hard. It was hard for me to lay things out for my big sis but the moment was right and I made the choice to be raw.
We need the feedback from trusted people. We need to hear someone else’s voice besides our own. Sometimes we either need validation or challenges of the things in our heads. It is so easy to go silent but that does not signify or build strength. It actually creates a weakness that eats away at the heart, thoughts and our core.
Sometimes, some things just need to be said out loud
I don’t know.
It’s okay to say I don’t know. We are not all-knowing. However, this may mean it’s time to step back and take a second look with fresh eyes even when ‘you know when you know.’