Recently, I found myself very angry. Red hot poker angry at someone. I was at home stewing and marinating on why ‘you‘ made me angry.
After hours, sleep and more ruminating, I could not stop feeling all these emotions – betrayed, disappointment, used etc. I felt so justified. I felt like a victim.
Right before I started writing this blog entry, it occurred to me that I am yet again angry at the wrong person. When I step back just a tad bit to think about the ‘why,’ I realized that the person did not do anything wrong to me but I saw a certain behavior as an act of treason.
Oops… God, I was praying about the wrong thing – my bad.
The Dirty Letter ‘I’
I realized that the problem was with me pointing a dagger finger at ‘you‘ instead of ‘I.’ When I looked more closely at me, it became clearer that the problems were I had certain expectations, I was disappointed because those expectations weren’t met, I felt stupid for having those expectations and I kept erasing my own boundary lines.
I was angry at me.
No one owes you anything! (unless they borrowed money from you)
Like yourself, people can give freely or choose to withhold – a sharp sickle lesson to digest.
Displaced emotions are the mother of all psychological issues. It is so convenient to curse someone else instead of focusing on self and the reason why I chose to continue to ride an agitated bull.
Pointing at someone else = helpless blaming; pointing at self = self inflicted wounds.
Under Your Skin
There will always be people in your life who get under your skin – family, friends, enemy. An itch you keep scratching until you bleed. Whatever it is about those people are so powerful that you allow them to disturb your force by the simplest things they do.
It’s very silly and sometimes, you watch yourself being stupid but it’s hard to stop it. It’s like your brain and emotions are a Mac truck driving at 100 miles/hr and expected to just stop. Instead, you are skidding, sliding and out of control like a buffoon with skates dancing on ice.
God knows that this is such a relentlessly frustrating feeling and you wish you could turn it off like a light switch **click** – all better. If only life was so easy – God didn’t put in such an easy exit clause.
Lessons In Boundaries
Frankly, I am so sick of having to learn all these lessons in life. It’s exasperating. Everywhere you turn, your brain and emotions are in overdrive trying to protect yourself and trying not to step on self-destructive landmines.
Where is that damn EASY button!
Instead, you have to work your way through everything – work, relationships, health, your own mind. I don’t know about you but I am tired just thinking about it.
But… we have to do it. We have to get up and set up those boundaries and man the borders. It’s hard! It’s hard because emotions are involved – not just any emotions but those gale force winds kind of emotions.
Each time you fail to keep your boundaries, you open yourself to unnecessary pain and disappointment. It’s like flogging yourself repeatedly -*** ouch***
The thing about using ‘I’ is that you have the control. You are in the driver’s seat of your mind (where the emotional pain starts) instead of feeling like things are done to you and you can’t stop it.
This is not to say you will block all emotional pain but you have a filter instead of a flood gate.
BACK TO ME
It took a few precious hours of my life (that I will never get back) being hard on myself, being angry, being this or that before the light bulb went on. ***ding*** I have to let it go.
In the end, I (you) am probably the only one being bothered. The object of my (your) rumination and angst is unaware of my (your) turmoil and is living her/his life quite peacefully.
What say you?