The Janet Jackson song comes to mind 🎶🎤 Control. It’s okay if you want to Youtube the song for nostalgia sake.
So, a few things inspired this rambling. While I was on vacation, we had taken a water taxi to do a short excursion and on the way back, we saw police tapes. As the taxi got closer, we noticed a white sheet covering a body. It turns out that someone had a heart attack and died on the beach.
Life goes on for the living
A few day ago, a gentleman retold the horror of finding a young family member deceased – the culprit was an unknown health condition. This man still carries the image, guilt, what if and ‘control’ issues regarding this event.
A baggage filled with negatives will eventually wear you down
We become so anxious and depressed over the things in which we have NO control.
As my life went from single and zero to single and caring for two adults, the feeling of being out of control sets in very quickly. I was becoming easily irritable, sleep disturbances, constantly thinking about the next thing that needs to be done and wishing for more time in the day. I was significantly overwhelmed and self-neglect was my bedtime story.
I have no control over my parents’ health but after two months of running around blind, loss, frustrated and confused, I had to start learning to take some control over the things in which I do have control.
In the blink of an eye
Your world can change forever
Whether for the good or the bad
In the blink of an eye, my level of control went out of control. When the overwhelming or helpless shadow seeps in, many people become so anxious over mortality, other people’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings, every detail of life and the future – None of which we have the Godlike power to change into our favour.
WHAT’S IN YOUR CONTROL?
Changes in life comes with stress – good stress (birth of a baby) and negative stress (loss of a loved one). I am slowly learning that my power, besides prayer and chatting with friends, is to figure out what I can do to make things easier, simpler and practice healthy self-care.
I have to figure out my boundaries because I am not Wonder Woman and I am forced to raise my hands and ask for help. I am also letting go (slowly) of the things that are an unnecessary worry. Easier said than done but not impossible.
Some lessons take a while to sink it
but when they do
you never look back
DIFFICULT IS SYNONYMOUS WITH LIFE
Life before my parents was not a bed of roses but since their permanence in my space, I am faced with some challenges – i.e. doctors appointments nearly every single week, being the point of contact for everything, trying not to neglect my own business and running their lives. I had to joke with a friend:
I have had more dates with doctors’ appointments
than I do with men in my entire life
Yes, my calendar is filled with dates and times that I must take off from work (thank heavens I have a boat-load of sick leave in which I am burning through), travel time during rush hour traffic, shuttle the parents around, taking phone calls, managing finances, and trying to decipher what they need.
I am Harley Quinn of all trade
and trying to master them all
E-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g! I think my parents’ primary care doctor is feeling very sorry for me. (awkward smile moment 😬). Anyway, this is my current life difficulty and I am certain other people are facing their own. Instead of letting it bury you completely, you are searching or finding ways to manage and still stay afloat – drowning is not an option!
My BFF who is having her own struggles, texted me today after I lamented that I just scheduled one more appointment and said she had an unexpected negative incident and she “just wanted to cry.”
I have had those moments and I cried – in my office, in the car, in the shower, in bed – I cried
Sure, there are those moments like “I want to run away to a white sandy beach in Costa Rica and throw away the phone” – by-the-way, I highly recommend it for self-care. I am here to tell you that those thoughts are normal.
You are more resilient than you realize
Challenges push you outside your comfort zone
To discover what was always there
Cliches help but I had to discover my strength on my own by doing. You keep going because you realize that your list has to be done and you find the strength from somewhere/someone.
You find it – moment by moment and bit by bit
Let go of the things you have NO control over and start looking at the things you do. You will begin to breathe and refocus. You will begin to find your footing one millimetre at a time.
You will have those “curl up in bed and leave me the f**** alone moments” too and that’s okay. There is a time for everything to include shutting yourself away to take a breath.
What are you holding on to that are out of your control?
I would love to read your comments