There is a sense of satisfaction in declaring I loved my single and sometimes solitary life. There is joy in having my own place to myself and the freedom to govern my own life without questions or interference.
As I get older and experience more, the clarity of the one dimensional myth the world sells is more evident. It is written somewhere that happiness and contentment only comes in the form of a romantic relationship or having a house full of children.
Contentment is not a Monolith
As my caregiving duties take me to a place where my parents reside with me, I find myself grieving some losses. I grieve the loss of my fully single status. I grieve the loss of my quiet space. I grieve the loss of physical separation from others when I truly need it. I grieve the loss of my independence.
I have known for years that I felt more at peace by myself; however, society’s incessant bullying that this was abnormal created a conflict. The message ad nauseum had always been – a contented adult was the opposite of single or solitary.
Being in a primarily Christian society, it conveniently overlooks the fact that Jesus was a single man. Jesus created a family with his disciples and other friends. He found contentment in meeting people and sharing his joy. He played with children and felt compassion for those who had different struggles.
John the Baptist who had a prominent role in the Christian story was also a single solitary man who found his calling and carried it out. However, John’s single isolated status had not meant he was devoid of people who loved him and he loved them.
Societal Pressure Missing the Mark
Society misses the mark when it comes to being single. There is an erroneous association that single and solitary life are lonely, pathetic and lacking. However, many singles are contented, loved and living their best lives according to what works for them. (Would you call Jesus, monks and God pathetic?)
It has taken me a long time to be vocal that I loved my single and sometimes solitary life. I love living alone. I love walking into my own place to a peace and quietness that allow me to think, cry, dance around half naked and live the way I want. It takes living with my parents as an adult to solidify how much l really like solitude.
I am very confident in the fact that when I die, there will be many people who will grieve my loss because I cultivated a family and close relationships. I revel in the fact that I am blessed with meaningful connections in which some people have touched my life and I touched theirs.
If I were dying today, I would not lament about not having a husband and children. I would probably regret not travelling more and being immersed into the diversity God created. My other regrets would be not opening my heart more, working on my patience and continue building a stronger connection with people in my life. Luckily, I am granted this moment to improve those things that are important to me.
Couple Myth
I have written many times that marriage is not the be all that ends all. A few days ago, someone who had been married her whole life (and very frequently wished she was single sometimes) interjected that she wish I find love. I corrected her politely.
If romantic compatible love finds me or I find it, then great. If romantic love does not find me, then great.
Romantic love is not the only love. Many couples can attest that their marriages are devoid of love but they are still married. Marriage is not for everyone. If you found your contentment in being married, then celebrate because it is not as common as the myth leads us to believe.
You never know what goes on behind closed doors. You assume that being single is a life of distress behind closed doors. You assume that being married is a life of bliss behind closed doors. Over the years working in mental health, people highlight how secrets are carefully cultivated behind closed doors. This reality hits closer to home as my own aged parents project an image of a healthy relationship of over 50 years, however, you will find something different behind their closed doors.
Choose Your Life
If marriage was perfect, divorce would be non-existent. If having children was the greatest act, then Child Protective Services would be obsolete. If single life was for everyone, then marriage would be an archaic institution we read about in the history books.
I choose a single and sometimes solitary life because that work for me. Of course, I can admit to downsides and occasions when a partner would be helpful. However, if that was the only factor in giving up my single and sometimes solitary life, then I would have been miserably married a long time ago. I will only give up this peaceful status if someone can show me an equal or better offer.
I won’t ever be okay with my parents living with me because they disturb my solitude. They disturb the part of my life that helps to give me balance. Still, I have to find a way to continue my duties and minimize my resentment for this unpaid 24-hr job. This too is a choice. I have accepted and I am okay with the fact that I am a solitary singular person.
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P.S. When the married righteous people get to meet Jesus, please remember to ask if he regrets his choice to be a virgin, unmarried and childfree.
I look forward to your comments
Q. Are you content with your single life?
Q. Are you married and found out that your peace is being single?
The Unedited Version 