Keep Him In Line


You have to keep men on a short leash in order to get them to do what you want. The best way to hold on to a man is to keep his belly full and keep him guessing.  Sex is a powerful weapon, use it because a man will do anything for it.

Man on leash

When women make such statements, other women will laugh and others will agree. They are great advice and they are funny! Right?

A woman’s place is in the kitchen. She belongs in the bedroom not the boardroom. A good slap will keep her a** in line.

When men say things like these, they are great advice. They are funny, right? No? Not really? Do I hear a difference in standards?

The Acceptable Attack On Men

For many years, women have been the underdogs. We were property with no voices or say in our lives. Even though women’s statuses have improved in certain countries, there will always be misogyny. Even in this day and age where words like ‘bitches’ and ‘hoes’ are accepted mainstream terms of degrading endearment, the tide is turning in which not only men’s masculinity are being attacked but they are being physically, verbally and psychologically abused by women and it’s not taken seriously.

Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, men are being abused by their partners and they are expected to take it because it’s okay. I was told a story by a newly wed husband who was attacked by his wife. In defending himself to get her off him, she bruised her elbow. Her following words were “I will call the police on you.” He got scared. Why should he be scared if he was just defending himself? He has a legitimate reason to be scared because most people would not believe that SHE was the abuser. The single greatest gender lie is that women do not have the capacity to harm. I have blogged about men needing love too here and wrote a poem highlighting some characteristics of women’s abuse towards men here

Abuse OF men By Women

I was introduced to this book by a therapist who works with family violence. As I was reading through the book written by Ann Silvers, a therapist, it had been enlightening and exposed my own ignorance and gender bias when it comes to women being the abuser.

I started to re-examine some of my gender beliefs and behaviors and how I treat men during conflicts. I am not an abusive woman but I can see how easily such acceptable habits can do damage if I continue to be ignorant.  Let’s talk about physically abusive women.

Physically Abusive Women

A woman who hits, berates, manipulates, threatens and shames her child is easily identified and labeled as an abusive mother. If this same woman uses those same behaviors towards her partner, then she is only labeled as a bad wife or girlfriend not abusive. Think about this: If the scenario was reversed, in which the man did all those things towards his wife, would there be any questions that he would be labeled abusive?

woman slaps man 2

Women hurting men is not considered abuse because society has taught all of us that women can behave badly towards men and it’s okay. A good father will teach his sons to never hit a woman no matter what she is doing. However, women were never told that slapping, punching and throwing objects at their partners were unacceptable. For some men, having a ‘happy wife, happy life’ means giving her what she wants at a very  high cost to include accepting physical maltreatment.

If you are going to argue that a woman’s slap compared to a man’s slap is not as significant, then you too have exposed your own indoctrinated bias about abuse. Physical abuse is an aggressive physical act towards someone. The degree of pain which is inflicted is absolutely irrelevant.
Physical abuse: Slap, punching to the face and body, biting, scratching, throwing objects at your partner, scalding, burning, cutting, stabbing, and shooting.

The man who is taught to not fight back will take it until she calms down or he gets out of the situation. Physical abuse is not just a one time thing. This behavior is a part of her and every time she is agitated, then she resorts to what has been working – abusing her partner who takes it.

Abused Men Are Not Weak

I bet this is your first thought ‘he is a weak man to let a woman abuse him.’ Women’s abuse towards men are not about the physical initially. It starts with the mind games. It’s the manipulation before and after in order to make the hitting, kicking and punching more acceptable.

Love isn’t blind but it’s tunnel visioned. This means that a man who is committed, does not believe in hitting back, and he is willing to work things out can be easily manipulated because he wants to do the right thing for his relationship or family. He is willing to take it (just like women in abusive situations) because he is invested in staying.

Many people in relationships stay in bad situations for kids, image, too much work to search for another partner and the abusive partners are the devil they know. Like abused women, men start to learn their abusive partners’ triggers and so it begins – they avoid the land mines and walk on egg shells.

These men stay because:
They believe they have too much to lose
The fear of being alone
The fear of being a single father or not seeing their children as often
The fear of starting over and not finding someone else
They can handle the abuse
Staying is easier

Women Hitting Men – What Did He Do?

When the video of Solonge, Beyoncé’s sister, attacking her brother-in-law Jayz surfaced, everyone immediately thought that he had done something to justify her attacking him. I am guilty of this as well.

When a male friend was sharing a story about his significant other who slapped him in the face, I immediately asked, what did you do (for her to slap him)? The moment the words came out, I knew I should have known better but yet, I fell into the trap of believing his wife was the innocent one. (When you saw the 2nd picture, did you ask yourself what did he do?)

woman slap man

Think about this: Compare those situations of my friend and Solange in which the women were the aggressors to the video of Ray Rice knocking out his wife. There were immediate cries of domestic violence for Ray Rice and I doubt the majority’s first thought was ‘what did she do to deserve it?’ or ‘she must have done something for him to react that way.’ People were horrified and he was vilified with swift negative actions towards his career.

If you think there is no comparison, then reverse the gender in all three scenarios and honestly reassess your views. The sad truth is you are programmed to accept men being hit or attacked by women as ‘not a big deal.’

woman hit man

Think about this: We laugh if a woman says she throws an pan or any object at a man but we frown on a man throwing any object in the vicinity of a woman. We justify a woman who will pour hot water on a man’s crotch because she suspects him of cheating but we immediately will defend a woman if a man slaps her for doing the same thing “no one deserves to be hit” except if it’s a man and there is a good reason.

What Does This Mean For Singles?

Bad behaviors do not start after a marriage. Signs are always there during a relationship. The longer you spend with someone, the more their character shows brightly. In love, everything negative is excused to your detriment.

Even the manliest of men can fall prey to abusive women. However, men are less likely to talk about it with anyone. If they do talk about it, then they make light of the situation and it is not taken as a red flag. However, emotionally, abuse takes a toll. The men who told their stories to me are by far not considered weak by any standards but they were subjected to abusive situations.

As women, we need to be aware of our capabilities to do wrong to potential partners. As women, we wrongly entreat other women to continue or engage in bad behaviors which will only produce an unhappy relationship.

My realization: I will never hit, I won’t yell or scream at someone; however, I have the gift of getting into people’s heads and the potential to be psychologically manipulative and abusive. Women, like men, are not willing to see themselves as an abuser or potential abusers. However, look at your history with men when dealing with anger, pain etc.

Reminder: Abuse is abuse. This is not a comparison of which gender abuse towards the other is worse or more prevalent. This is discussing unhealthy behaviors women exhibit towards men.

 

 

*Photos credit: Google search results

7 thoughts on “Keep Him In Line

  1. Hi. I am a man. And, I am sure to talk about the issue. 😛 Because words fall out of my fingers and mouth once I am compelled…or prodded…or provoked…or just itched a little. [I have a few axes to grind but do not care to discuss many family matters in such a public space.]

    I need to read the whole blog post before I comment. I must repeat this to myself every time I visit your space. 😛 Otherwise, I spout off short-sighted and then go “Oh.” when I see the other details.

    It’s…ironic? how concerns like sexism and racism are not much different than US politics, in terms of one side having control until the other makes some supposed “victory” and starts undoing what the other side did. So, it’s been many years since the days of burning bras to get women to the age of “Me, Too” and staking more claims to office space and fair everything. Just as it’s been many years since “blacks” were first used as slaves and then “freed” only to go through Tartarus to get any rights to be “equals” to “whites.” If you look at the wind one way, progress is being made, and people want to rally around it (while others stand in its way and shake heads). If you look at the wind from the opposite direction, you see negative action and a sort of reverse of progress, some coming from the very entities that were supposedly gaining ground denied to them for so long. ‘Sounds a lot like Democrats and Republicans trading “victories”…for what? Just to undo what the other side did?

    Progress? Now, that’s funny. I see more progress toward the age of robot domination as it seems so much money and resources are being spent on such nonsense. Sure, replace people with robots because they are better than we are. I can just see the protests, now. Cartoons are funny, too. Want to hear a joke? Decaf’ The end.

    From my personal experience, I am inclined to suspect people are capable if not prone to be physically abusive if they are not mentally/emotionally abusive (or, manipulative). And, it’s quite possible there is a percentage of both destructive forces in all of us.

    I tend to be more cerebral than physical unless words fail me and make me “Hulk mad.” I have been made aware of my abilities to persuade and talk my way out of things (which has its positive and negative sides). I’ve been known to lash out (and, occasionally, injure someone), but I do not like the idea of consistently striking or bruising someone. I’ve sustained a “fair” amount of physical and psych/emotional abuse in my lifetime but have regularly been told to “grow a pair” and get over it and not blame others, neither for my feelings nor my reactions, including any “echoes” of such treatment I might give to others. I also avoid drugs as much as possible to prevent any chance I might be a different person under such influences.

    [If only that sound logic could get around instead of pushing beer and other drug ads incessantly to feed the economical monster that condones avoidance and abuse/addiction.]

    Try as we may to get a grip on being fair to all kinds of people, regardless of race, gender, religion, etc., until we can take the time to get more of the stories involved in the matters that concern us–with one exception I’ll mention in a moment–how can we ever resolve the problem? It just goes on and on like the tides.

    Now, in regards to racism, there’s not much that can be said there other than outdated yet perhaps innate thinking. Maybe it’s just our human nature to raise an eyebrow and be territorial about such things, no different than a T-Rex fighting off an Allosaurus after the former’s eggs or turf or a ground squirrel raiding another squirrel’s stash of nuts. Racism doesn’t really have a side; it’s more like a sphere. Races vary more than genders, amazingly. And, unless the world suddenly tips one way and every type of person becomes one skin or hair color, I don’t think it’s going to change.

    Race is what it is. It’s not inherently abusive or wrong; it’s not misguided. Deer act like deer. And, tigers act like tigers. Now, maybe there are some deer and tigers disguised like humans, and we need to figure out who is what.

    Instead of the usual self-defense classes, I suggest we start teaching bully-resistance classes. Not every problem can be resolved with a shout and a kick to the groin. But, a good bully-resolving tactic is to not feed the bully what seems to give him/her power. So, if the “abusive person” gets a charge out of slapping someone around, make yourself unavailable to be slapped. Deflect and defend yourself if necessary, but also avoid whatever sparks that fire in that person in their presence. And, if that means you have to be some secretive child trying not to upset “mommy” or “daddy,” I guess all you can do is either have a serious talk with the person or get away from that relationship, if possible.

    Bullies often stop what harm they are doing when you stop feeding them the reactions they “crave.” If I don’t cower when a bully approaches me to do something violent, they won’t smile and feel as good when they attack me. Stand up to the bears and be not afraid (even if you’re trembling in your boots). And, don’t poke the beehive, either. If you know what irks or wickedly gratifies someone, don’t do it; don’t provoke.

    Oh, so on the gender matter–though I am sure you’ve touched on it somewhere–don’t assume abuse is gender-specific. As I was saying earlier, if I am abusive, I am more inclined to use cerebral tactics which you mention as something women use. But, I think just about everything feminine and masculine is better linked to some sort of balance in every living thing, like the balance of good and evil or cravings for sweet vs. sour, chocolate vs. vanilla. There is no gender to abuse. It is a forest fire we all face and may contribute to, now and then. We need to take hold of our impulses and assess our responses before giving them, myself included…though some might say I assess so much I have paralyzed myself.

    Just think, someday not far from today, we might have a surge of female musicians “rapping” about how to keep men wrapped around their little fingers (only because you don’t know what I can do with that little finger) like guys today singing about riches, drugs and other signs of “wealthy status” while putting down women like pets at their command and having “whipped” women dress scantily while dancing around those performers in videos and at concerts…cuz we don’t want to pay any real attention to the performers we pay to see/hear?

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    1. Someone who is abusive will always lash out due to the simplest of things. Anything can “poke the bear” so someone who stays will always walk on eggshells and crack a few unknowingly. The abuser needs to take responsibility for his/her own behaviors.

      Just like video games, movies etc, the things that saturates our daily lives have significant effects over time. The more violence we see and hear, the less shocking effects it has and it becomes very normalized.

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      1. I suspect some eggshells are broken knowingly, either expecting disaster or seeing no other way. And, for some who strangely become accustomed to the abuse, they may get a sick pleasure out of it, some turning to submission/domination practices.

        The abuser may need to take responsibility, but, likely, they will “excuse” their actions as self-expression. They are merely doing what their emotionally volcanic hearts desire. Hulk smash and such. As responsible as an abuser is for what he/she does with his/her own limbs, so are those who contributed to that mentality responsible for correcting it. Blame does not go on just the assailant. The Beast did not find love and break his curse alone; he needed Belle to set him free and, eventually, other villagers to make amends.

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  2. Reblogged this on Feeling No Love and commented:
    Women like this are everywhere (and I suppose so are the men). The sooner you see the signs the sooner you can just stay away from people who may prove to become a problem.

    For me, let’s just say the more recent time I’ve ran into such female aggression is at work. But then again people like this exist everywhere. You can’t avoid them, but what do you do when you encounter such a personality?

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  3. You’re so right. Abuse is abuse. The level of pain does not matter, the fact that they were struck in some way does matter! I get so frustrated hearing women talk about keeping men in line, probably equally as much as a man saying he’s keeping his wife in line.
    Women abusing the gender bias is disgusting and disheartening.

    Liked by 1 person

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