Forgetting to smile is not a new revelation to me. I thought I would share with the few who quietly acknowledge they are forgetting to smile. Here is what I mean.
I have self-diagnosed with mild depression
I struggle to find joy in anything (except my 2 month old cute cubby grand nephew who recently visited)
I would much rather be under the covers even when the day is perfect (sunny and warm)
My spontaneity feels like a thing of the past (I used to joyfully and impulsively pack a day lunch and drive 3 hrs to the beach)
My hobbies are no longer hobbies. One particularly hobby is classic cars but I can’t remember the last time I went to a car show or was excited seeing one of those beauties.
I feel fatigue most of the time. Doing anything is a chore
I find myself complaining and miserable most of the time
The simplest things wane my energy
My procrastination is epic
I am very reluctant to make plans for myself or with others because I may not have the energy or desire to follow through
Beside the recent influence of my baby grand nephew, frowning is pervasive
I am forgetting to smile
Smiling Takes Too Much Energy and It’s a Lie
As much I am using the tools in my arsenal, which include the ones I teach for stress management, my bag of tricks feel useless. They are simply not working. I find that each day is a struggle. I drag myself to work dreaming of the weekend. I give just enough enthusiasm to patients and by lunch time, I watch the clock.
My days are overtaken by the care of my parents. Their dependence is greater than their need. Meaning, they have given up on doing many things for themselves and I am the default. When I moved them closer to me, I underestimated what was entailed. I thought I was going to be the supportive daughter not their load carrier.
It has taken me awhile to come to terms with my unexpected role but on occasion, like this morning, when Saturdays are my only day of true rest, they wanted to be driven to church. I wanted to be a classic introvert: sleep and avoid people contact. As I drove the short distance to retrieve them, I said the unspeakable “I don’t want this responsibility anymore.” Hopefully, God ignored that whisper of a frustrated mildly depressed woman.
Functional Depression Looks Like
I am a functional mildly depressed woman. This looks very different from what people think when they hear depression.
Monday thru Friday, I get up for work. I hit snooze on my alarm so many times. I sit in bed and waste time until I have to rush to get myself ready. Each day, I promise I will get to work on time and each day, it never happens.
Last week, I spent hours washing and detailing my car after the winter mess and that was after I went walking for an hour. I do manage to do my exercise 3-4 x weekly. On rare weeks, the tired/laziness is too great and I am barely able to do 1-2 light workouts.
My place is always in order, my bills are paid ahead of time, I manage their finances impeccably as well, and I still do a great job at work. The truth is when I am not feeling the weight of functional depression, none of those things are an issues; however, now, they are very tiring.
I know there are many others like myself who are functional depressives. We get our lives done but with a lot less enthusiasm or joy or energy. I try to be thankful but even that may sound fake to God’s ears.
What Is Missing?
The one thing that has always helped me feel balanced is the freedom that comes with being terminally single. I absolutely love the ability to do what I want when I want.
This freedom is significantly stifled as a caregiver. While my role as a caregiver is not the only factor in my environmentally induced depression, it packs quite a bit of weight. My role requires that my every move is tethered to my parents’ needs and wants first because they are significantly older.
In their close proximity to me, I had hoped to enjoy more time with them. Instead, my time with them is a second job 6/7 days per week.
Boredom also plays a part. I admit to everyone that I have a gypsy heart. My attention span in one place has a shelf life of 5-7 years. My job has loss its flavour. My brain is no longer challenged; my days are not challenged. Digress moment – I stopped attending church because it too became boring – there is no new sermon under the sun. I have accepted my unstable ways and I have yet to find a reason to make changes.
Is There A Solution?
The easy answer is therapy and maybe antidepressant.
The harder answer is to change the things in my control. As I am working on making changes, it’s not so easy as it is an interlink solution. In order for X to happen, then Y must occur but not before L that is dependent on A. Getting A to happen is a process 99% outside my control.
I chuckle (a sarcastic chuckle)
There is also the cognitive solution which is to rearrange my thinking. The Christian behavioral view is that my life ‘isn’t so bad’ in comparison to______________ and everything is for a reason/season. Those views hold some truth. I am aware that I am privilege whining while others truly have reasons to be depressed. I am aware that I have many things in which to be thankful each day. I am aware….
Frankly, I may need all of the above to ‘snap out of it’ but until then, I am forgetting to smile.
******
Any other self-diagnosed or diagnosed functional depressive out there?
How are you dealing with your pervasive funky mood?
The Unedited Version 
Nice post đŸ¤
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I haven’t read this whole article but for me I used to not smile because for a good period of time I had bad teeth. While I finally found a job with still bad teeth and at that working for a bank, I still got started on doing something about it. I might cite other people’s comments about it however another motivation was to be more presentable when on job interviews. I’m sure there were some other negativity within me also, but I knew this was a necessary thing to do. Here’s hoping you find something that makes you happy as that’s a very necessary thing to do.
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