Daddy Issues

It is said that a girl’s first exposure to the kind of man she will date or marry is influenced by her father. Therefore, it is safe to say that since birth, women have ongoing daddy issues.

The presence or absence of a father has a significant impact for the heterosexual woman. Fathers can be heroes, villains or some combination of the two. The category in which the father finally settles starts in the teen years and solidify in adulthood. Rarely will her daddy move from one category to another unless something earth shattering disrupts a woman’s view of her father.

My Daddy Journey

My early childhood memories started off with me being a daddy’s little girl. I was the youngest and I remember holding his pinky finger when we walked. I was excited when he came home, I sat on his lap and shared his food. My daddy was amazing until he was not. As I grew older, I saw certain character flaws about my father that turned the tide from amazing to well….

I distinctly remember the moment I fell out of love with my father. He and my mother were having a disagreement and the way he treated her sent me on a B-line to team mummy. I never found out what the fuss was about but I knew it went on far longer than I was comfortable. I also remember a negative statement he made about my mother to someone which further broke the delusion of ‘perfect daddy.’

Those childhood moments blazed an impressionable image of my father that systematically shattered the daddy-daughter relationship. At the time, there were still some traits I admired about him. However, I vowed that any man who caught my attention would not possess any of his undesirable traits. Those thoughts slowly devolved into having no desire for marriage which further took a nose dive into feeling anxious about the thought of marriage.

While I cannot blame my father for my anti-marriage anxiety that still has remanence in my current life, I can say that he started it and life experiences perpetuated it.

Daddy the Villain

My father is nearing 90 years old and he is like a spoilt lazy child who grates on my last nerve. His advanced years and my caregiving involvement should have softened my view of my father but instead, I fluctuate between guilt, anger and asking God forgiveness for my disrespectful thoughts.

Many years ago I became aware that if my father was not my parent, we would have a nonexistent relationship. My father’s personality is a complete clash with mine. Besides his commitment to financially support his family over the years, we have nothing in common which is magnified in my caregiver role.

The sad part of my father’s life, if he reflects, is that he made many mistakes which led to distant relationships with all his children. I am very certain that I am the only child willing to become his caregiver and that was because he came along with my mother.

Man of My Nightmares

I will never accept a man who has any characteristics of my father. My siblings, in recent years, piled more dirt onto the bad behaviors I witnessed from my father. As for my mother, I do believe she was too damaged from her abusive childhood to see that she traded in one piece of shit father for my father who appeared better. He rescued her; however, he added to her misery in other ways. For her, her loyalty lies in the act that he never abandoned her and us.

Sadly, the ‘commitment at all cost relationship’ that my mother dealt with for many years is repeated so often by many married couples. It is the devil that you know and to who you gave your good years. Sadly, spending years in a relationship that spells t-o-x-i-c is not noble but sad with a helping of misery which are peppered by good moments.

I do not measure men by my father’s meter stick but I do have an immediate run away allergic reaction to any man who reminds me of him. The one thing I learnt from my parents is that the longer you spend in an unhealthy relationship, the more unhappiness there is in your ‘it’s too late we are stuck together’ old age. Choose wisely.

Choosing a partner and producing a child are not about your desire to fulfil father/motherhood fantasy but an important commitment to being a good parent.

There are those moments when my angry heart softens but then he does something within character and mucks it up. I am working on acceptance which should decrease my anger but I need a serious divine intervention boost. I would love to see him change so in his later years, my daddy issues would be something good to remember.

What are your daddy issues?