The Sharp Tongue and the Right Tongue

You have met or know one or two people in your lives who believe their views of you are the best. They make no hesitation to say it in a harsh way. I use the word believe because another person’s view of you may be a projection of his/her own circumstances versus the whole truth.

Foot In Mouth

I have made that error too often. While on a girlfriends outing two years ago, a friend was expressing some disturbing things about her marriage (this was not the first time). I became increasingly annoyed by the usual ‘married people who are unhappy woes but still make excuses to justify why they are still married’ conversation. I had given my sharp tongue opinion which had grains of truth and triggered by my own negative marital biases but it was said maliciously.

The next day I realized I was a ‘bitch’ and pondered about calling her when she called me. Luckily, that incident was resolved after I apologized and I was able to explain what influenced my thoughts and what I intended to say. We came to an understanding.

Watch Your Mouth

In another situation, I have been in the company of an acquaintance who had more gripes about her long term partner than good things to say. I met her partner and thought he was nice and very entertaining but being in a relationship is not the same as casual meeting. The last update she had given about the relationship was that it ended and he moved out of state. She was struggling to move past it.

It was not long after that a mutual friend announced the upcoming wedding of the said person. “Who is she marrying?” I was genuinely confused. When I was finally able to chat with the acquaintance, my thoughts screamed “what happened? you said….” but my mouth said “congratulations.” After listening to her explain why she made her decision (I did not ask), I simply said “it’s your life and you have to do what’s right for you.” “You are the only person living in your consciousness.”

While my brain had remnants of red flags swirling from things she had said in the past, the right thing to say was ‘be happy.’ If I had deployed my sharp tongue, it would have added to the pressure she had already received from close family. What she needed was support and I genuinely supported her living her life.

Thank God, I did not mess that up!

Silence is Important

It has taken a very long while but I am learning that my sharp tongue is not always the right tongue. I am back in a situation where my years long bff is in a Christian marriage pickle. I saw yellow flags from the beginning but I knew that her journey into marriage was very important. She recently disclosed certain concerns in her relationship in addition to hints dropped over the years. My sharp tongue itched to make an appearance but my right tongue stayed silent.

What kind of help would I provide if I allowed my sharp tongue to point out the things I think she already knows? What is more important is my role as a bff which is to support her path in her journey. She chose her life and she has to navigate it. It is not our place to always have a say particularly if it serves no healthy benefit.

Life Choice

Recently, I was in communication with two people who follow my blog. One, a very considerate and appears to be caring gentleman who offered me non-overbearing religious support group information after reading one (few) of my blogs dealing with my caretaking stress.

This part of my life was my choice. It would be easy and the truth if he/anyone pointed out that this is the burden I had chosen. Instead, he is a gracious reminder that there will always be a few people who will never use/evoke the sharp tongue.

Thank you Steve – you are a God send.

The other person who, after 2-3 email correspondence, used a sharp tongue to incorrectly critique my personality. Whatever the trigger, the individual’s last correspondence was demeaning. I had two choices – use my sharp tongue in defense or use my right tongue to express that I will not tolerate any sort of degrading behaviors from anyone. I chose the right tongue. God knows that doing the right thing was hard.

Sharp Tongue and Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse has psychological and emotional effects. Many who tend to use the sharp tongue often and freely sometimes employ elements of verbal abuse. The systematic chipping away of your character which leaves you susceptible and tolerant of repeated unsubstantiated negative critique. The sharp tongue is not always for correction or uplifting. It is usually to put you in a lower place. I am very aware that if I did used mine in an anger response, it would be to weaponize his own information to demean and degrade him.

The sharp tongue comes from a place of anger, frustration, stress, disappointment, etc. which leads to saying things that cause more harm than good. Sometimes, the sharp tongue is lashing out at the wrong person or for the wrong reasons.

Lesson

My average work day is saturated with people’s negative which creates and taps into the anger, frustrations etc. I am now very aware that over the years, my balance has tipped heavily with the negative from others in combination with my own. This has progressively overshadowed my ‘good stuff.’ In writing this, I became aware that in the 3 friends’ situations, I hear all their negatives which leave an imprint. While they are all still finding some positive benefits in their lives (in this case, relationships), I am still disproportionately holding their emotional junk.

As people lay their burdens at your feet, you (I) have to be mindful in taking up and absorbing part of their load without being able to unload your (my) own. Finding balance is the key.

Do you find yourself deploying your sharp tongue more often than the right tongue?